Since our meeting, I keep thinking about things that empower me as a woman...like Anna, I too really enjoy knitting, though I have yet to finish anything other than a washcloth :) I am glad that the third wave has allowed us to reembrace the domestic...though lately I am struck between the very sharp dichotomy between my life as a graduate student and my life as a wife and a mother--has anyone figured out how to combine these things into a seamless whole yet?!
Anyway, in thinking about things that have empowered me in the past few years, one of the best decisions I have made was to switch over to cloth menstrual pads (See Lunapads for an example). In my experience so far, whenever I tell anyone this the reaction I usually get is something along the lines of "ewwwww," but it has really made me reconceptualize my reaction to menstruation as something overwhelmingly positive, instead of something that forced me into bed with a bottle of Advil for a few days.
I've also found marriage to be empowering--though I know this doesn't sound very feminist. In my case at least, taking myself out of the dating scene has allowed me to focus on the rest of my life--rather than all of the bullshit that currently embodies the relationship between the sexes.
What other things have empowered us?
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11 comments:
Lyz, have you seen the Diva Cup (or the like) before? There's a million options besides just cloth pads out there. I've used the Diva Cup (which I prefer over The Keeper because it's made of silicone instead of rubber) as well as Glad Rags for awhile now, though I don't have a normal menstrual cycle to be an expert on their use.
We use cloth everything in this house (talk about the "ewww" response - try telling people your whole family uses cloth toilet paper and see where that gets you!) - which is something else I believe - that environmental issues are indeed feminist issues.
In fact, most of the things that I believe in and fight for under the progressive, radical mantle, are indeed feminist. Why is this? Because these things are about creating a better world, about discovering sustainable ways of living, something that the patriarchy, that hierarchies, and that capitalism have thus far been unable to accomplish or even truly consider. This is humanist in the long run, and about creating and sustaining an equitable existence for all people.
Have you seen the Museum of Menstruation? I can't imagine you haven't.
"Nothing in our society, with the exception of violence and fear," says Chris Northrup, M.D., "has been more effective in keeping women in their place than the degradation of the menstrual cycle."
I myself haven't found a way to create a seamless whole of anything, and I'm not even a grad student, so I have no advice for you there. I have found that everything in life is a struggle, for all people, and that there is no way to undo or change that really. The only thing to be done is to keep on keeping on, trying to better the things that we can. I want to learn to not make excuses for not being a perfect, whole person though. I want to learn to not feel embarrassed or to hide the less-than-savory aspects of myself. I want to learn to help others expose their flaws to me, to learn how to show that I am not afraid to learn that you haven't got it all figured out anymore than I do. I want to embrace the fact that there is no such thing as having it all figured out and that this fact is wonderful and brilliant!
I, too, feel that marriage has been empowering to me. I know that the method was not exactly feminist, despite my very feminist underpinnings, in that I wore white and carried flowers. I know where in history those things came from, and in some ways I regret those choices. But I regret them knowing what I know now, and not what I knew then. If I am to truly appreciate myself and accept that I am not formed perfect and whole from the outset (or maybe I am and it's the cultural conditioning of childhood that undid it, so that as an adult I have to undo all that was undone?), then I must recognize that whatever I did then is just what I did then and not necessarily an indication of anything at all - negative or positive. It was just part of the journey.
I didn't end up taking my husband's name, which I learned from my parents never taking anyone else's name, and which I'm quite proud of. The notion of having a wedding in public, with witnesses, is still a political choice in some sense. What it implies may depend on the reasons for the choice, I suppose. Most folks would probably say they choose a public wedding as a celebration of love, and the change in their life it represents. This recognition of transformation is important. It seems to me that like the baby shower versus the mother blessing, there must be better ways to honor life changes, better methods of creating ritual. It's definitely something that needs further exploring.
Still - the method of my marriage wasn't perfectly radical or progressive or remotely feminist. The end result, however, has been that I am in the process of creating and discovering true interdependence that helps me to grow as an individual. I cannot now imagine being able to explore myself, my limits, my abilities, and my creativity without the constant support of my partner. Though the relationship creates its own new challenges, the well of support it offers is indispensable.
As for empowerment as a woman... I think I feel most empowered as a woman when I sense community with women, when I feel as though I am communing or have communed with women. Sitting around, discussing issues that are important in our lives at length while drinking wine or coffee, eating, stitching, creating, or helping one another in our daily pursuits/responsibilities, is when I feel the best. It is at these times when I feel most able to continue in my responsibilities as wife/mother/whathaveyou, when I feel most uplifted, able to take on anything. In Inga Muscio's Cunt, she talks about creating ways of supporting communities of women and honoring that which makes us women. She discusses getting together for "Red Tent" like sessions - offering massage, chocolate, wine, bitch sessions for sisters in need due to the start of their menstruation, a loss, or simply a down day. I think that these recommendations really extend out of what women have always done: from the tribal traditions of women being the social arrangers of whole communities due to the complex interplay of gossip during daily work (cooking, cleaning, harvest/gathering, childcare, et cetera) to the coffee klatch or Tupperware party - women talk, sharing ideas, struggles, and responsibilities. Due to the advent of our nuclear living situations, we've lost the day-to-day sharing that I, for one, really crave, and in fact, feel that I need. It is absolutely no wonder at all that women are by and large those whose numbers suffer most from debilitating mental health struggles: depression, anxiety, etc. We've lost the commitment of other women who, through dialog, help us to process our experiences. It's just another reason I am so thankful for another women's group to go to! ;)
I am pretty familiar with the Diva Cup, though too chicken to use it :) I've used Lunapads for a couple of years now and they have held up really well (other than pregnancy the cycle's been clockwork--so I can say that the quality of the pads are really good).
MOM is fabulous...
I really admire that you've been able to go hardcore with the cloth. I aspired to cloth diapering...but that kind of went the way of breastfeeding, though I now have a lovely collection of chinese prefold burping cloths!
Loved what you said about not making excuses for imperfection--I think that as women we are trained to apologize for not living up to standards (that are frankly never defined)!
I too had the crazy uber-traditional white wedding (in a Catholic monastery to boot)--in retrospect I would repeat the ceremony in a heartbeat as it was really meaningful to my husband and I, but I'd never plan the reception again, as it was one of the most stressful experiences of my life.
I did take my husband's name--and I did struggle over it. In the end, I think I really did it because his name is short and English, where my maiden name is ten letters long and very Eastern European. On the other hand, for me it symbolized a change of identity--leaving my bigoted, right wing fundamentalist self behind for the young feminist I was becoming.
I hope we can somehow regain a sense of the "tribal" and communal among women--one of the best times of my life to date was living with a group of women in a dorm as an undergrad at an all-women's college. It was healthy emotionally when your problems could get mediated by the community--and somehow things didn't seem so overwhelming then.
Yes, Luna pads rule. I recently had my period start while I was out of town and didn't have my luna pads with me and I was so pissed that I had to buy corporate made pads. Like Beth, I've never used tampons (I'm a tampon virgin!?), so I haven't tried the keeper or the diva cup. One of the things that I was thinking about while in NC (when I had to purchase pads) is that I should've bought cloth diapers and cut them up, but I didnt' and the reason was that I didn't want to have to deal with washing them while away from home. Even though there was a washing machine where I was staying. And I think it's because I was staying with my son and his girlfriend and Renee (from our group) -- like I didn't want to have to soak bloody rags, etc. And of course this is so f-ed up because I am not one to hide my period from my family or friends. Maybe it was just for the sake of convenience or laziness, too, as the situation was stressful in itself? I just found it funny that I am normally committed to the noncorporate, environmentally friendly nature of cloth pads, but I had reservations about making my own in a pinch.
I admire you/Anna for the cloth everything (TP included) in your household. This is something I struggle with, especially around buying plastic bags, plastic containers, plastic anything (Lane's comment from last time about how we're selling our souls for plastic has stayed with me on so many levels), especially since I'm packing Xoe's vegan lunch everyday. The irony is that I have to pack her a lunch because she's vegan, yet in doing so I buy plastic containers. I guess it's about choosing your battles (??) and doing reusing plastics (bags, containers, etc.) as many times as possible.
I recently committed to only buying used things as much as possible. I find it empowering to find things that I need at Unique Thrift, to buy all of our clothes (not underwear, though) from there, and to be able to say that 99% of of Xoe's toys are not new. I even give her thrifted toys for her b-day and other holidays because she seriously doesn't care, she's just happy to get cool stuff to be creative with!
PS -- Yes, MOM is amazing. I did a research paper for one of Renee's classes a few years ago on the ways in corporations that make "feminine hygiene" products are responsible for shaping hegemonic notions of menstruation in this country via advertising and those movies we all saw in grade school about "becoming a woman." MOM was a great resource for this paper and is a fun site to peruse regularly.
We most certainly choose our battles. We have to. There is no way to do everything. But it is really awesome to meet people who are doing something you haven't tried (or even heard of!) and find that it's not that scary or hard to incorporate. It may be something that you don't end up doing, but knowing is great, because sharing knowledge finds it way to other people. Spreads the gossip (or gospel), as it were.
I'm so proud of doing things that are environmentally friendly. It's so important to me and initially it was really daunting. My mother carried her own cloth grocery bags, used cloth napkins and rags and cloth diapers and tried some cloth feminine products (though didn't commit), so it was engrained in me early on, just like birthing at home. I think my family has really taken it a step further with the cloth toilet paper and the total absence of chemical cleaning products in our home. That feels good.
I used to post a lot on Mothering magazine's message boards and I learned so much about natural family living and it was all so huge and overwhelming. For awhile I got really into it and felt completely guilty for our less-than-stellar though vegetarian eating habits. I felt guilty for not soaking my own beans and for buying too much new. Slowly, I've incorporated things into our life though and learned that it takes time to integrate things that you believe in into a workable habit. It's just not all easy. But knowing was truly half the battle.
Anna, I love what you said about knowing being half the battle--that really helps when there are those days when I'm hauling out my garbage bags full of plastic stuff and nagging my husband about emptying the diaper pails. (I have to ask how you handle all of the laundry? That's one of the things that holds me back from embracing cloth everything...)
I am glad that we're addressing the conflicting emotions that go along with trying to do the right thing (guilt over not cloth diapering or soaking beans, etc.)--it does get hard, especially when you get into Internet communities, and you often feel like you're not doing enough.
Lyz, I know what you mean about the pads. After I had the baby I ended up using disposable pads for a few months (lochia et al...)--I couldn't believe how uncomfortable they were and that I had used them for so long.
RE: all the laundry - It really doesn't feel like too much, but I don't know why. We have enough dipes that we only do a load once every 3-4 days, which ends up being 1.5/a week. We do our TP with that too and the rags I clean the bathroom with usually find their way into the diaper pail. Even Jon will put in the diapers.
Everything else ends up being 2-4 loads a week, which we do ever so often. Sometimes I'll let it go and realize my hamper is full on a Sunday or something and have to do 2 big loads or 3 medium-largish ones.
I guess because I'm at home we're able to keep up with this stuff more, but we often put a load in the wash at night and then in the dryer the next morning and then folding won't actually happen until that night or even the next day.
I'm insanely neat-freakish, though, I must say. Well, not as much as Lyz's Kristin, but still. ;) I just sorta have a policy that if I have the energy or inclination to do something now, I do it. I try not to think, "oh, I should clean out the silverware drawer sometime." I'll do it while the coffee is brewing as soon as I notice that it needs it. Same goes with everything, which helps me not get behind.
Also, I wanted to say, we have reduced our trash A LOT by composting (we've always recycled). We've actually gone 3 weeks with one trash bag. We buy in bulk a lot at the Food Co-op, and because Jon's vegan, we mostly buy produce anyway. We carry our own bags all the time, so we hardly have any plastic bags coming in, and those that we do have, we use for the recycling. I think avoiding packaging in general is a big help, really. We also reuse everything we can, including the plastic bulk bags. I'd like to get these cloth bulk bags I saw though.
Ahhh, laundry. We just got back from vacation so I am spending today doing about eight loads :)
Anna, do you have a compost pile in the yard or are you actually composting within the garbage bag?
We were composting in the basement for awhile in buckets. Now the buckets have been moved to the garage. We don't have a backyard, just a driveway and garage. We're planning on changing our setup soon as this one is not working out. We need a big container and I'd like to get worms, though I'm not sure if we could do that.
When I mentioned using one trash bag for 3 weeks, I meant that's how much trash we had for the household. We put out recycling, but no trash for 2 weeks running, which is our record so far. On the third week, we had 1 kitchen-sized trash bag. Pretty good, huh?
i admire all of you for the lengths you go to for the environment.
wow...
and i agree with the comment that often we feel like we aren't doing enuf.
it makes me mad and then i start thinking that it is the patriarchy again...always setting us up to feel we are lacking.
boo..hiss
what empowers me is being with women and feeling like i am ok.
being in a frame of mind where i know no fear. it is usually when i am focused on what is most important to me. at these times the patriarche has no power over me.
what a wonderful experience
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