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Here is the artile & video of Claire crawling across the finish line. This girl is amazing at 18 imagine what she'll be like at 80!

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncaa/highs...t&lid=tab8pos1

Vulva Art

I told Michelle & Sam I'd post the photos I took for the upcoming Itty Bitty Art Show in Dayton next weekend. These are the vulva prints.

City of Hell at Nighttime

Fur

Vulva Map

Domestic photos

Working Woman Folding Laundry

Doll with Footy Pajama

Every Mother is a Working Mother

Real Laundry, Fake Kitchen

Working Mother

Bastian, Cycloptic Robot, and Two Mice

Bride With Toilet

Becoming a Mother

In advance of our upcoming topic, and in light of my recent involvement with Cleveland BirthNetwork and Birth On Labor Day events, I thought I'd share my birth stories and the slide show of my first son's birth. This past weekend I participated in the BOLD Red Tent Birth Story event where women shared their birth stories in a literal red tent. It was awesome. It reminded me of the importance of sharing powerful, self-directed, positive birth stories with other women to demonstrate how birth can and should be, outside of the medical patriarchy. Today I was thinking about posting these and remembered the call to action I'd heard long ago, "Women of the earth, take back your birth!" I also recalled that my mother, when she was younger than I am now, shared a slide show of my homebirth at her Radical Women United meeting. It seemed fitting to take it all full cycle.

Aleksander's Birth

"it is five a.m. and the sun has charred the other side of the world and come back to us." it is five a.m. and i am stirred by a tensing in my belly, pressing on my bladder. this is nothing shocking, nothing new. this has become my life in these 15 days of delayed baby. i get up to pee, and for the first time in months, more than a few teaspoons of liquid trickles out. a lot more. i am confused. i am terrified of hoping that this is my amniotic sac sprung a leak and seeping down my leg. in my life, "maybe" always means "no". it has been 15 days since my due date. i am done waiting. i am through with hope. i am swollen from my spine to my navel with so much hope i can’t stand it anymore. we had tried every home induction and wives tale in the book to no avail: primrose oil, blue cohash, black cohash, sex, orgasms, swimming, spicy food, bouncing, nipple stimulation, castor oil, stripping the membranes, foot massage, spinal realignment, long walks and a raspberry tea leaf enema. and yet here is this trickling down my leg as i get back into bed and then another contraction. i check the clock and try to rest. in lieu of sleep, i periodically watch the time and realize that approximately every ten minutes another contraction comes. knowing that my husband has just recently fallen asleep due to a lifetime of insomnia, i let him be…

at seven, my mom got up for work. i got out of bed and went downstairs. i told her my water broke. she got the doppler and listened to the heart rate. it was fine. she asked if she should stay home. i told her to go ahead and go to work because i wasn't sure how long it would be. mom said i would have the baby today. i felt giddy. finally he was on his way. i ate breakfast and folded laundry, contractions still coming every ten minutes, maybe closer. at eight my mom left. i tried calling the backup OB's office to let them know i wasn't coming in to talk about induction.

at eight thirty, i woke jon up. he was groggy but immediately jumped up and got in the shower. i started to make the bed with two sets of sheets and the plastic cover, but had to stop because the contractions didn't let me focus outside of myself any longer. for some reason i wanted to be downstairs. i started to pace around, not knowing what to do. i wanted to get the bed made, but didn't want to go back upstairs. i guess i was afraid of getting stuck up there. i would stop and lean against the dining room table during contractions. they weren't really painful at this point, but the pressure was mounting and i had to breathe through them.

the lay midwife happened to call for my mother and jon talked to her. he gave me the phone and i had to tell her to hang on for a contraction. i leaned against the table and once i could talk again said, "okay," then told her when it was over. she said it was about 45 seconds long. i didn't know what to tell her, but she recommended that we call my mother back home. i stopped for another contraction and handed the phone off to jon because it was more work than the last. she told him they were three minutes apart. he got off the phone and paged my mom, then called the photographer, our friend sarah who was going to be there to help out and our other parents to tell them i'd started labor. my sisters, natalie and lilllian, got up and became pretty excited. they made me cinnamon toast and got me gatorade. my step-father, jim, was out feeding the animals.

i sat on the floor between the wall and the dining room table. during contractions would get up on my hands and knees and moan. i had been having irregular contractions for a week and was already dilated to three, but these contractions were more in my lower back. the pressure on my low back was becoming more painful and everything was becoming gradually and evenly more intense.

my mom got back at about 9:30 - an hour and a half after she'd left. she got my sisters to start setting up the birth pool and listened to the baby. she recommended that i get out from between the wall and the bench and go into the living room. she said to try out the bean bag chair. i labored there for a while, moaning through contractions, starting to seriously lose my head.

everyone arrived between 11 and 12:30. jan started taking pictures and sarah jumped in to do counter-pressure on my back. i got on the birth ball, leaning on jon with sarah pressing hard on my low back. mom put on the norah jones cd, which was really nice and burnt a sage incense wand. i smelled it when she first lit it – i could smell the sulfur of the match and asked what it was, but sarah and jon didn’t know what i was talking about because they couldn’t smell it all the way in the kitchen.

mom brought me a rosie the riveter shirt to wear instead of the nightgown i’d had on. natalie, lilly, and sarah kept cool washcloths for my head. natty filled up the bathroom sink with water and ice and several washcloths so they didn’t have to take the same one away to re-wet it every time. i remember she was proud of her innovation.

this is where my memory of the order of things starts to get hazy. i was in such a haze – completely in laborland. i moaned and wailed through the contractions. i tried to find positions that were comfortable and completely used jon and sarah physically to rely on to support me when i couldn’t support myself and massage me to relieve the pain. during contractions i struggled to get my torso higher to let my uterus move the boulder in my belly lower.

the norah jones cd ended and some classical music came on that was from the olympic games and i said, “what the hell is this music?” mom stopped the cd and said, “i know what she wants to hear.” and i knew that she did. she went and found her al green box set, put all four disks in the cd player and hit shuffle. i know that the music played the rest of the labor, but i have no recollection of hearing it.

they told jim to boil water for the swimming pool since we were out of hot water, which made him really excited because it was just like in the movies. i finally let my mom check me and i was dilated to 4 cm. jon and i walked around some, stopping in the kitchen for a contraction. i stood and rocked a bit, but it was harder to relieve the back pain while i was standing.

i got in the poolfor a little while, which did help the back pain at first. in fact, as i was getting in, my contractions let up for a couple of minutes. at first i relished the relief, but then i started to worry that things were stalling. just then, the contractions came back full force. i went to the bathroom then came back to the pool. my mother said that my father had called. i remember thinking that i should respond to this or call him back or something, but was completely unable to do so. he called periodically throughout the day and kept my step-mother and step-siblings up to speed. they seemed to think that it took a very long time for the baby to come, but to me it went by quickly.

pressure was building inside of me and i felt a strong urge to poop. jon and i went into the bathroom. i insisted that it was just jon because i didn’t want everyone watching me poop. everyone else took a break and ate sushi that jim had brought home from his errands. jan told me later that tuesday said, “i love this part. i know she feels terrible, but it means the baby’s almost here.”

the contractions were nonstop at this point, though because of the back pain they had never been clearly defined anyway. i told jon that i felt like i wanted to crawl out of my skin. during contractions i would lean my full weight on him and make him pull on my lower back with his hands from where he sat in front of me, all while he was squatting down on his haunches. i asked him if he wanted a towel to sit on, but he declined.

my mom came in to check me, which i didn’t want her to do, but she assured me that i was close enough that it wouldn’t hurt quite as badly as before. she said i was 7 to 8 centimeters. i think that i sort of began to push there in the bathroom, but it was more because i kept thinking i needed to poop than about getting the baby out. he was moving down the birth canal, but it all felt like pain to me.

we went back to the living room, which i didn’t think i could do. i got on my hands and knees on the bean bag chair again, this time with the birth ball to lean on to help me lift my torso up higher. i think they grabbed the ball in desperation as i growled about not being high enough. i started feeling incredibly nauseous and someone brought a bowl for me to vomit in. i threw up several times and totally lost my head. the contractions were building to a crescendo and i couldn’t do anything. i was totally and uncontrollably in my body. i kept struggling to get my torso higher to allow my uterus the room to stretch, to open and push down unobstructed by my insides. i couldn’t support my own weight and started to fall asleep between contractions. everything was a panicked rush of struggling to get higher, vomiting and desperately searching for a more comfortable positioning. it was a little like being drunk to the point of sickness, falling asleep on a bathroom floor between vomiting… occasionally i'd scream as loud as i could, though it wasn’t a b-movie horror flick scream, but a deep-throated howling. i was flailing my whole body uncontrollably as i couldn’t support my weight and couldn’t stand the pain i was in.

they put me back in the pool, now completely naked (though i don’t know when exactly that happened) and i felt nauseous and flailed some more. someone said as i was getting in the pool that i was close and was bringing my baby, trying to remind me that there was a purpose to my agony and reassuring me that everything was right, but i said, “i don’t want a baby, i want an epidural.” my mom said that she had the midwife’s epidural ( the pool) and put me in the water. i said that i couldn’t do it and thought to myself how i really didn’t want to anymore. everything my body did was trying to find a way out of the situation. all my movements were frantic and uncontrolled. i kept saying i couldn’t do it, even though i knew that i had to. even as i thrashed around in the water, it occurred to me how much worse it would have been if we had gone to our appointment with the backup ob that morning and had had to go in for an induction on monday and i’d had to have the baby in the hospital. i was glad that i hadn’t been given pitocin and wasn’t stranded in a hospital bed. i couldn’t imagine how much worse a pitocin drip would have been.

mom and tuesday tried to listen to the heart rate with the doppler, but couldn’t get a good listen because of the water and my thrashing. they were able to hear that the heart rate was dropping during contractions which i was now definitely pushing through. someone asked if i was pushing, though i think they just said it out loud, not directly to me, but i couldn’t answer anyway. they tried to get me to calm down and to breathe. they had jon breathing slow and deep, in through the nose and out through the mouth for me to mimic, but all i could do was hyperventilate. i guess because of the dip in the heart rate, they wanted me to breathe deeply and slowly down to the baby to give him oxygen, so tuesday got the oxygen out and put the mask on me. jon kept breathing slow and loud and i held onto him, trying to breathe with him, but still breathing too fast and moaning and screaming and pushing. considering the feeling of it all now, i can only think that i was opening up with a capital O. i was being forced open by giant hands – pushing me open, squeezing me open, prying me open from the inside out, making room for the boulder to come out. i didn’t feel like i was going to be split in two – i felt a surging, pushing, Opening.

finally, they pulled me out of the pool (though i was there less than 15 minutes) and put me back on the bean bag, this time on my side to deliver. while in the pool, i had reached down to try to feel the head, and i did feel it, but it didn’t feel hard, it felt like a piece of fruit or a water balloon – taut, but soft. on the bean bag, i was laying on my side on top of my left arm. sarah had to hold my right leg up and i yelled at her to hold it better and higher. i pushed during every contraction and natty got a mirror for me to see the head come out. mom asked if i wanted jon to come catch the baby or stay with me by my head. i’m not sure if i actually answered, but i did tighten my arm around his neck.

tuesday described the pressure i was feeling and said that i would feel a stinging sensation from the pressure of the head, which i didn’t until it was fully crowning. they told me to push hard during contractions and they started to see the head come out. it came out then went back in a little bit through a few contractions, then tuesday said that it had stopped going back in, so i pushed as hard as i could for as long as i could, grunting and screaming. i caught a glimpse of jim in the doorway between the living room and the dining room – he was jumping up and down, clapping his hands, then he’d leave and then come back and do it again. i looked at the head in the mirror that tuesday was holding and reached down to feel it. it crowned and i felt it as it came out completely – it was a sensation unlike any other and one i could not describe with words. it hurt, but i could also feel the head moving through the birth canal and what that was like – the tissue moving against tissue, the boulder becoming two parts and releasing. the head came out and turned – sarah said that he opened his eyes and looked up. his hand was up by his head and my mother pressed to keep it from flipping up and tearing me – it was probably what caused all my back pain.

another contraction came and i pushed as hard as i could so the whole of his body slid out – first one shoulder then the other then the whole body. i pushed like a champion. he started screaming right away. they grabbed him up and placed him on my chest and i said, "it's a baby!" i kept saying over and over, “oh my god, oh my god.” then i asked what was wrong with his face, because it took me a second to see that he wasn’t just squished, but that something was wrong. my mom said, “she has a cleft, but it can be fixed.” i wanted to see what gender he was, especially since mom had said “she”. somehow we got the towel off to see that he was a boy and i think i said, “i told you” to my mother since i’d had a dream that he was a boy even though she kept calling the baby “she”. then mom untangled him from his umbilical cord (it was wrapped around his shoulder) and i was able to get my arm out from underneath me. i held him and he screamed. mom had jon cut the cord when it stopped pulsing. then jon took him and wrapped him in heated blankets.

my mom noticed that i had a peri-urethral tear, but said i didn’t need any stitches. i didn’t feel it happen at all. tuesday wanted me to push the placenta out, but i didn’t want to because i was afraid of the pain. she said it wouldn’t hurt like the baby did, so i pushed it out. she was right, it didn’t hurt as bad. aleksander manuel wlasiuk-martinez was born august 16, 2002 at about 3:05 pm, though no one thought to look at the clock the moment he was born because we were all so caught up in the moment. the first time someone noticed the time, it was 3:12 and i’d already delivered the placenta. i had inadvertently pushed for 30 minutes, then intentionally pushed for another 35 minutes.

i shook and my teeth chattered. jim brought me warm blankets from the dryer. i went to the bathroom, then came back and held him, both of us all wrapped up in blankets. my sisters brought me long soccer socks that went up to my thighs to keep me warm. tuesday gave me some homeopathic remedy for the shaking, and within fifteen minutes it had stopped. i had to be careful about how i moved, but i felt a lot better.

i took a quick shower after he calmed down, then held aleksander the rest of the evening on the couch. i was brought a glass of champagne and food. i tried to breastfeed all evening, but aleksander couldn’t get much. my mom called the pediatrician right after he was born to see if we needed to bring him to the hospital. the doctor told mom to try to look at the extent of the cleft. she also said the hospital was the worst place for him because of the germs, and called us in a prescription for special cleft nursers. my mom found me an electric pump to rent. jim went to his radio show, which he hadn't prepared for at all even though it was a special 25th anniversary of elvis presley’s death edition. my mom did a prenatal visit for tuesday who was pregnant with her fifth child, then cleaned the whole house. my dad and jon's mom came to visit. my friend amanda stopped by. she was most impressed that my toes were painted. our family friend martha came by and told us about joaquin phoenix being born with a cleft. interestingly, we had gone to see signs with joaquin phoenix and mel gibson the night before. i remembered staring at the scar on his lip the whole movie wondering what it was from.


aleksander manuel wlasiuk-martinez; august 16, 2002; 7 lbs. 0 oz.; 19.5 inches

Not for the feint of heart, Aleks' birth in photos:

Sebastian's Birth

the boy who lived.

sunday, may 29th, aleks woke up early at 9:30 a.m. we got up and i asked jon, who was asleep, if he wanted to go to katie's wedding in dayton (four hours away) that day. he looked at me like i was crazy with one eye open and said, "no." aleks and i then went about our morning routine. at 11 i asked jon again about going to the wedding, saying if we left at noon, we could make it. he again gave me a crazy look and said "no." so i went to find something else to do. tired of cleaning the house and being that it was already nearly spotless, i thought to sew new cushions for the rocking chair to replace using the pillows from the couch. so i set to work after chatting with a friend online for a bit and of course caring for aleks.

jon crawled out of bed at 3, took a shower and ate some food. i finished the back cushion for the chair and decided to do the seat cushion simpler to hurry up with it. i was out of stuffing, so i just made it big enough to go over a throw pillow and left it unfinished on one side. just as i was doing the last side, i had a contraction that sort of hurt. i'd been having tightening contractions for weeks and had had several that morning and lots the day before, but this one felt almost real. jon left to go to the library and i cleaned up my sewing mess. as i did this, i had two more contractions that felt real and decided that this might be labor. i called jon. he hadn't even made it to the library yet, which is less than a mile away. it was 4:44. i told him that labor might be starting, but to go ahead and do what he was going to do as i had still not seen any bloody show or lost my mucus plug, so i wasn't positive that it was really happening. i even felt a little silly calling after just a few contractions. he said to call our midwife, pam, and my mom (our other midwife, four hours away). i told him i'd call him if i needed him right away.

i paged my mom and when she called back asked her when i should call her about labor because i thought it was starting, but hadn't had any show. she said she'd just get the rose bush that she'd just dug a hole for in the ground and then leave. i said okay, but still felt silly. this was at about 5:00. then i called pam, told her what was happening, and told her we'd call her when we needed her to come. at about 5:15, i called my dad and step-mom to tell them what was going on and had 2 contractions in the five minutes that i talked to them that sorta made it hard to talk. when i got off the phone, i started trying to get everything cleaned up and ready for labor. i put the diapers in the wash, got the video camera case out of the closet, picked up the house and did the dishes. jon came home while i was doing this. i was surprised to see him so early, but it turned out the library was closed and i was glad he'd come then as things started picking up a bit and the contractions were coming regularly, though at somewhat irregular intervals and strengths. jon started to set up the birth pool with the help of aleks. i posted on mothering saying that i thought labor was starting and that it sure hurt like labor. i wasn't having the back pain with contractions the way i did with aleks, but i kept getting on hands and knees and leaning against the birth ball like i did in aleks' labor because i was expecting the back labor. the contractions were like very strong menstrual cramps and i suppose leaning on something was as good a way as any to cope with them. as they filled the tub, i became convinced this was definitely the start of labor and jon called pam back. he asked me if i wanted her to come then, but i was wandering around the house dealing with contractions. she asked him what he wanted her to do. he said it was up to her, she said, "no, it's really up to you." so he told her to come. aleks started to take off his clothes, wanting to get in the pool, but the water was too hot for him. i had called our friend heather to come get aleks several times, but kept getting her voice mail. it was sunday, so i didn't expect her to be at work. scott and sarah, who were our second choice for aleks were in canton for a wedding, so i asked aleks who was arguing with jon about getting in the pool if he wanted to go to riley's house to play. he was really excited about that and i was glad to have him go somewhere so i could have jon's full attention and so i could labor without disruption. i called riley's mom, jenny, and she said aleks was welcome to come over. jon got him dressed again and they left. i busied myself getting ready for real labor in between contractions, which i was starting to have to pay full attention to. they were still like menstrual cramps, but the intensity and pressure on my pubic bone were increasing steadily. i ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and set up the camcorder. jon called me from the car just to keep in contact. i sat leaning over the back of the couch looking out the front window at people going by as i talked to him. after a couple of minutes, i had another contraction and got off the phone. we had timed the contractions a bit while aleks had filled up the pool and they were about 3-4 minutes apart and 45-60 seconds long. they were certainly variable which struck me as funny, considering this perception that we have of labor as a finite thing, as though the body were merely machinery and an uterus should contract at an exact and even pace, like a ticking countdown. i didn't need my water breaking or exactly steady contractions to tell me that this was labor. i didn't know what to do with myself really. i kept getting on all fours during contractions, anticipating back labor that never came. all the pressure was on my pubic bone. pam arrived just before jon got back at around 6:30. i was still talking just fine between contractions and decided to get in the pool. as pam was setting out her equipment, i pointed out the cushions i'd sewn that afternoon. i was rather glad to have that done to have a comfy place to rock the new baby. jon asked where my birth music was. i had been listening to modest mouse earlier, which i thought was funny, but the new album is really good! i told him the cds were in the birth kit (i was so prepared!). he and pam set up the video camera in a better location and i labored in the tub. the contractions were intense and i was now moaning through them, but the breaks in-between were like not being in labor at all. i was surprised at how coherent i was and kept waiting for the lala-land feeling i had with my first labor. as it was, i could think clearly and make observations, even during contractions, though i couldn't quite voice them. i found myself wondering what it was that i thought was so cool about birth and realizing exactly why people choose pain relief for childbirth. if it were available and offered to me, i'd be hard-pressed to turn it down. which is why it is best for me to have my babies at home.

i also found myself worrying yet again about the thought of having two children. of course, none of these ideas were formed articulately by any means. they were more flashes in my mind of "we're going to have two kids - holy shit!" i wasn't exploring what that might be like or anything, i was simply surprised by the clarity i felt - how normal my body even felt in the breaks between contractions. i didn't remember that at all from my first labor. i could also think clearly enough to remind myself what kind of sounds to make and to speculate about how far into labor i was. i could remember some of those mantras i'd read about and repeat to myself "open" or think abut ina may having women "smile their babies out". i thought to remind myself that i was strong enough to do this and that i was in fact doing it. i got out of the tub for a while and labored alone on the toilet, having a bowel movement and still looking for bloody show or mucus plug, but finding none. then back into the tub where the nice breaks between contractions were just enough for me to catch my breath before the next contraction. at one point i announced that not having contractions felt really good. i really started to make a lot of low moaning sounds with them and the intensity of each surge was increasing. i even started to look for a head in my pelvis with my hand and was quite disappointed to find none. i could feel myself pushing though, probably the baby down into the birth canal. each contraction was so intense and there was so much pressure on my pubic bone that i was anxious for the whole thing to be over. i quit caring about having a baby. i wanted to stop. i felt like changing my mind. of course, i knew there was no way out but through, so i kept on, anticipating the final pushing the baby out. at some point i also thought to myself that this baby was going to be a sebastian rather than an eleanor like i had planned all along. i didn't say this out loud, as i most likely couldn't, but i do recall definitely thinking it. i had jon holding the puke bowl for me for ages, thinking i might throw up and not wanting to in the pool, but i never did. pam tried making some recommendations, suggesting that i might find it helpful to be checked for baby's positioning, which i declined, and that i might feel a little better on the toilet or the birth stool. i silently decided to get out of the tub to go to the toilet, since i was having trouble supporting myself in the tub i think because i'm so short, and my arms hanging over the sides started to wear on me. i waited through a few contractions before standing and making this decision known. i wasn't really communicating at all any more, though i was still impressed by how clear my thoughts were. mostly i was just catching my breath between contractions. i wasn't really observing my environment any longer, but it wasn't the deep in-my-body mindlessness that i recall from my first labor.

after a contraction, i stood up and pam and jon helped me out of the pool and into the bathroom. i leaned on jon while sitting on the toilet, just as i had during transition with aleks. jon heard something fall into the toilet and asked if it was my water breaking. i reached down between my legs and we looked into the toilet and i said, "no, it was poop," which gave him a bit of a laugh. the pressure on my pubic bone was incredible. i was waiting for my water to break at any second, and i was still looking for bits of bloody mucus. i knew that i could have the baby without any show, but i didn't expect that to actually happen. even as i was waiting for my water to break, thinking that the bag itself was causing a lot of the pressure i felt, i was also scared of it breaking since i'd read about the bag cushioning the head and i wasn't quite ready for anything more intense than what i already felt, though i was anxious to get the whole thing over with. i could feel my uterus pushing the baby lower and i consciously helped it along, pushing with the stronger contractions. i knew this pushing wasn't the "real" pushing, but i was hoping to move things along any way i could.

pam again asked me if i wanted to be checked, saying that i might find it useful to know and that sometimes there can be a lip of cervix holding things back, which i knew. i didn't really want to go through the discomfort of being checked, but thought that it might be far enough along that it wouldn't hurt so much. i decided, though i don't think i was able to say it out loud, that i would consent to being checked and that i'd lay down on the bed in order to do it. i got up from the bathroom. maybe i said "okay" or something. i got to the hallway when another contraction started. i bent my knees, then dropped to the ground on my knees, torso up, legs out behind me. i was really vocalizing. screaming some, moaning, making guttural noises with my teeth partially clenched (though i kept thinking of smiling my baby out, i couldn't quite smile). pam got a chux pad under me as i said i was pooping on the floor! when it was over, i crawled into the bedroom and got up on the bed. at first i laid down on my back, which was NOT going to work, so i rolled to my side with my legs spread wide, which was NOT going to work either, the pressure was too much and i made a comment indicating as much as another contraction was hitting all the while and i rolled to my hands and knees, screaming again, still tremendously uncomfortable. as the contraction waned, i spit out the words "birth stool" and pam went to fetch it. i got on the stool at 8:58. they slid chux pads underneath me to catch the poop that was still falling (though there was still no bloody show or mucus). pushing was happening more now. jon got a flashlight and pam said that my water would probably break with another good push. a couple of contractions came and went with me pushing but not wanting to overdo it as the pressure was beyond intense. they could see the bag of waters bulging now and at 9:05 it exploded all over the floor and down jon's legs. he slipped his meconium-soaked socks off and i announced the meconium in the water, though it wasn't thick and i wasn't worried. pam threw some more chux down to soak up the fluid and the head started to come. pam told me to reach down to get the head. she was trying to help me catch myself, but i told her she had to since i was supporting my weight with my arms firmly gripping the handles on the birth stool. she was rapidly getting sterile gloves on, and then she reached up and grabbed a big glob of bloody mucus and presented it to me. i grabbed it and then wiped it on my leg to get it out of the way. i felt the ring of fire and thought to myself, "ring of fire!!!" i thought of the recent mdc thread and remembered pamamidwife's words about the ring of fire telling us not to push so we wouldn't tear. i tried to breathe instead of pushing and did so with much concentration, rapidly through clenched teeth. pam started to encourage me to push. i told her i couldn't because i would tear. she said i wouldn't tear because she had me, so i pushed and out his head came. i thought again of the ring of fire thread and how posters said they felt like they pooped their babies out because that is exactly how it felt! pam checked for a cord around the neck, and there was one which was easily unlooped. i stopped after the head and wanted to wait to push, but pam was again telling me to push. the shoulders felt big, but i went ahead and pushed with the next contraction. i think that's when i tore because there was a hand up. his whole body came out and pam caught him. it was 9:10. i took him from her and announced that he was a boy. there were bits of meconium on him and pam suctioned him. his eyes were wide open, but he wasn't crying, though i do think he was breathing. his color was certainly fine. i said "he's so small!" and asked him if he was okay a few times because he was so quiet. eventually pam's suctioning started to annoy him and he cried out briefly. pam was glad to hear it, but i wasn't concerned too much, though i did ask him if he was okay again. i was so surprised at how little he was (though it turned out he was bigger than aleks was at birth) and at how quiet he was. i was also shocked that he had dark hair. i looked down at him and noticed three skin tags on his chest, all of which are gone now. my mom walked in 3 minutes after he was born. i was still on the birth stool waiting for help to move me to the bed. he had a super long cord, so we were able to wait for the placenta to be born to cut it. he actually stayed attached for awhile. i cut the cord because jon said the feeling freaked him out & he didn't like it. after everything was done and cleaned up a bit, sebastian and i took a bath in the still clean aquadoula. he was so calm and alert. he just looked around the whole time. i was so happy! sure, my body was sore and my abdominal muscles weren't working right yet, but i felt great nonetheless. i was thrilled with my birth though i'd hated the pain. i really felt like i'd done it, that no one else did anything. it would have been nice to catch my own baby, but all things considered, it was as good as it gets.

sebastian diego born sunday, may 29, 2005 9:10 p.m. 7 lbs. 5 oz., 20 inches long

About Female Sexual Subjectivity...

DILEMMAS OF DESIRE Teenage Girls Talk about Sexuality
By Deborah L. Tolman

(Chapter 1) GETTING BEYOND “IT JUST HAPPENED”:

“Jean Baker Miller, in Towards a New Psychology of Women (1976), identified sexual authenticity-that is, the ability to bring one’s own real feelings of sexual desire and sexual pleasure meaningfully into intimate relationships-as a key feature of women’s psychological health. From a psychological point of view, developing a strong sense of self and engaging in authentic, meaningful, and joyful intimate relationships requires an acknowledgment and acceptance of one’s own bodily feelings.” P.20

…”To learn how to bring all aspects of oneself into relationships, which can lead to a sense of connection, entitlement, and empowerment that can go beyond sexuality by including sexuality.” P.20

...In other words, not feeling sexual desire may put girls in danger and “at risk”. When a girl does not know what her own feelings are, when she disconnects the apprehending psychic part of herself from what is happening in her own body, she then becomes especially vulnerable to the power of others’ feelings as well as to what others say she does and does not want or feel.” P.21

BIRTH the play Sept. 29th

BIRTH...

a play by Karen Brody

Get a sitter... grab your girlfriends, mothers and adult daughters and see BIRTH together!

Saturday, September 29th
7:00 pm
Lakewood Masonic Hall Ballroom
15300 Detroit Ave
Lakewood, OH 44107
www.lakewoodmasonicfoundation.org/findus/htm

"Birth on Labor Day is an exciting, uplifting, and empowering answer to our
nation's childbirth crisis."

Christiane Northrup, MD, author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom,
The Wisdom of Menopause and Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom

Tickets:
$12 - advance
$15 - at the door

Can be purchased:
http://brownpapertickets.com/event/19030

Get your tickets now...one performance only.
Seating is limited!
It will change your life... and so much more!

We have finalized the participants for our talk back panel, which is an interactive question and answer session with birth professionals from our community. Our panelists are:
Colleen Brezine, CNM
Dr. Rebecca Starck, OB
Pamela Kolanz, DEM
Sunday Tortelli, CCE, CD(DONA), HBCE, LCCE, CLC

This is a tremendous opportunity to discuss the issues surrounding birth in our community with those who are directly involved. The talk back session will immediately follow the evening's thought-provoking performance of BIRTH.

Red Tent Birth Story Event, Oct. 6th

CALLING ALL WOMEN CONCERNED ABOUT OUR BIRTH CULTURE!

CLEVELAND BOLD RED TENT EVENT
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6TH 2007
2-5 PM
THE CLEVELAND MEETING HOUSE
10916 MAGNOLIA DR.
CLEVELAND OHIO 44106

Share your birth story and help change the birth
culture in Northeast Ohio!

The BOLD Red Tent Event gives women the opportunity to
share their birth story in an intimate, supportive
environment. You will also have the opportunity to
have your birth story taped. These taped segments will
then be sent to three influential people in the
Northeast Ohio who have the opportunity to change
birth practices in our region.

The event is being held in an historic University
Circle mansion. There will be other activities for
those not wishing to share their birth stories.
Groaning cake and labor punch will be served.

Join in the comraderie of the normal birth community.
Make connections with other amazing women.

For more information about BOLD Red Tent Events go to
www.birthonlaborday.com.

Dr. Jocelyn Elders in Cleveland Oct. 6th

Sally additionally mentioned this important event hosted by NARAL:

Join us to honor the 2007 Champions of Choice, State Representative Bob Hagan, activist Jerid Kurtz, abortion provider Lydia Strauss and philanthropists Al and Mickey Stern on October 6, 2007. We are excited that Dr. Joycelyn Elders, former U.S. Surgeon General will be joining us for this event as our keynote speaker.

2007 Champions of Choice Awards and Reception

October 6, 2007

Myers University Club

3818 Euclid Ave, Cleveland Ohio

4:00 Private Reception

5:00 Awards Ceremony

6:00 Mix, Mingle and Eat

Ticket Details:

Reserve your ticket today by calling Kellie Copeland at 216-283-2180.

$15.00 Student Activist- one ticket to the awards ceremony and mix, mingle and eat.

$50.00 Activist- one ticket to the awards ceremony and mix, mingle and eat.

$100.00 Choice Supporter- one ticket to the private reception, awards ceremony and mix, mingle and eat.

$250.00 Freedom Supporter- one ticket to the private reception, awards ceremony and mix, mingle and eat, as well as a listing in the event program.

Contact Kellie Copeland to RSVP or for more information.

Sexuality Resources

On the Sexuality front, Michelle brought a section of a book to share, Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk About Sexuality by Deborah L. Tolman (If you follow the link, you can get a preview of that book and/or purchase it). Within the quoted portion of the article from that book Michelle read to us, there was mention of Jean Baker Miller's book, Toward a New Psychology of Women, which discussed notions of sexual authenticity.

Sally mentioned an important article, which I have found online in its entirety, Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic As Power by Audre Lord.

Next Month's Meeting

For those not present at yesterday's meeting, next month's meeting was planed for
Sunday, October 21 at 5 p.m. at Lyz's house.

The topic for October will be Mothers.
So that's your own mother, your life as a mother, whathaveyou.

See you all there!

Why We Pursue Consciousness

I have spent some time lately reading the daily meditations in Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, a book which my aunt gave me when I graduated from high school. The entry for September 2nd resonated with me, particularly as it reflected much of what we're trying to do in our meetings.

The meditation opens with a quote from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke:

Somewhere there is an ancient emnity between our daily life and the great
work. Help me in saying it, to understand it.

Ban Breathnach goes on to write:

For we can't work well or live well if we don't life authentically.
Like Rilke, we need to acknowledge aloud the ancient emnity between Real Life
and work. It exists. It tears us to pieces every day. We need
to help each other understand it, because we will never understand it on our
own. We can start by holding one another's hands, by listening to one
another's concerns, by reassuring one another, today, that everything will be
all right.

Somehow, together, we will figure it out.

Just something to keep us on the road toward consciousness, even when life threatens to swamp us...

Here I thought I was Being all Clever...

Since I am a "Stay-at-home-mom" (SAHM in internet shorthand) by profession, I have a hard time coming up with something fitting to call my occupation that would be sassy, feminist, and more descriptive of what I actually do than simply, "mom." To that end, I put "domestique" in my blogger profile, only to discover that that's already taken. Apparently a domestique is the position of a player in a bicycle race. You can read the whole sordid, thunder-stealin' definition here. Sigh.

And I apologize if this is too far off-topic.

Regarding Sexuality Topic

My initial impression from the last meeting was that our next topic, sexuality, would be about personal experience of sexuality as opposed to sexual experience. What I mean is how we experience our own sexuality. This would of course veer into many different topics, but I am really attracted to the idea of coming together with our personal experience on the topic and seeing where the varying responses take us. I'm not sure if this is in total keeping with traditional consciousness raising or not, but it seems to keep the focus on what we know in our experiences as women, rather than what we assume about history and culture. This also helps, I believe, to keep us all on our expertise of ourselves as individuals and away from our individual areas of expertise (as in the fields which we study or work in), which can result in our invalidating one another.

I hope I'm making sense!

Activism on the Right and Left

I keep rereading Anna's post on activism, and while I have usually thought of activism in liberal terms such as protesting the war, demanding gender equality, or jumping into politics for the upcoming primaries--I have also been thinking a lot about how her descriptions also apply to the activities of individuals on the Right as well. In part, this comes from my having grown up in a very conservative church, one that was on the forefront of anti-abortion activism, and a strong supporter of movements such as Operation Rescue.

"Not feeling alone in our dissent" is an incredibly powerful thing--I feel somewhat sobered at the fact that this power applies not only to what I believe, but what I question as well.

thanks anna

sorry it took all this time to do this

Activism

Part of what Lyz said last night really resonated with me, when talking about protesting the war - this idea of feeling a part of something, of removing ourselves from our isolation and witnessing that we are not alone in our dissent. I think there's something more to that as well - a notion of being seen, of feeling heard. When we protest, what we're doing, in part, is being witnessed as a dissenter. It is the act of standing and not keeping quiet. What does it do? What does it, in itself, really change? Ultimately, I don't think that's the point - as Renee said too - initially.

Going to a protest, holding a sign - these are only the beginnings of activism. That is merely the act of standing and voicing dissatisfaction and does not do anything other than tell the powers-that-be that there are people who disagree. Beyond that, it should serve as notice that we will not be passive, we will not participate, we will not be silent, and the next step is to organize around that initial notion of dissatisfaction to create change. Part of that is creating safe places where there are none, part of it is offering an alternative (so, in times of war, exploring notions of peace and creating peace however and wherever we can), part of it is to think of future actions (how can our dissent be heard and how can that change minds? how many people does it take?) and part of it, perhaps the most important part, is to organize around actual change, finding ways to subvert the dominant paradigm, finding ways to circumnavigate the powers-that-be to end oppression, change the reality, end the war. This involves a lot of organizing, disseminating information, outreach, and education. It's creating revolution, electing new leaders, finding ways to make the war less important by convincing the folks at home to abandon oil. Creating organizations that research alternatives, free women in other parts of the world from oppression, provide refuge to those who the war effects, change the government in Iraq to give us reason enough to leave.

There are a million ways to create solutions to the problem, and standing with a sign is just the start.

Things that empower me...

Since our meeting, I keep thinking about things that empower me as a woman...like Anna, I too really enjoy knitting, though I have yet to finish anything other than a washcloth :) I am glad that the third wave has allowed us to reembrace the domestic...though lately I am struck between the very sharp dichotomy between my life as a graduate student and my life as a wife and a mother--has anyone figured out how to combine these things into a seamless whole yet?!

Anyway, in thinking about things that have empowered me in the past few years, one of the best decisions I have made was to switch over to cloth menstrual pads (See Lunapads for an example). In my experience so far, whenever I tell anyone this the reaction I usually get is something along the lines of "ewwwww," but it has really made me reconceptualize my reaction to menstruation as something overwhelmingly positive, instead of something that forced me into bed with a bottle of Advil for a few days.

I've also found marriage to be empowering--though I know this doesn't sound very feminist. In my case at least, taking myself out of the dating scene has allowed me to focus on the rest of my life--rather than all of the bullshit that currently embodies the relationship between the sexes.

What other things have empowered us?

Is this what a feminist looks like?

one thing i love about the "third wave" is the return to traditional crafts. my personal fave of all of these is probably (at least at the moment) knitting. i love knitting. i like knitting scarves and washcloths, loved the first time i knit something in the round, and adored this one baby hat i made so much that i think i might need to make a million more of 'em (so if you ever have a baby, lemme know because i need babies to knit hats for). one can knit just about anywhere, which makes it the most perfect craft ever. i have knit in just about as many places as i have nursed my son, which is saying a lot. i love the knitted tree at severence center, outside the cleveland heights town hall, which i like to refer to as a "tree cozy." this is why i so much love the graffiti knitting movement. it's awesome, and most importantly combines my love of all things radical, subversive, and stockinette stitched.

feminism posts

So as not to overload this group blog effort....I have created a blog called "Feminism Now and Then".

(click onto: contributors: Michelle Murphy's profile: "Feminism Now and Then")

I will be adding research texts, photos, and opinions....

*I have also typed out the "Femi-what?!" pamphlet that a group of women created to address the current state of feminism by giving a hands-on overview.

Thank you everyone! Looking forward to Sunday.

Michelle

The F-Word... or, "I'm not a feminist, but..."

From Megan Seely's book, "Fight Like a Girl: How To Be A Fearless Feminist" (p. 1):

"These are some of the negative words that regularly surface when I ask people what comes to mind when they hear the word 'feminist'":
Bitch.
Fat.
Ugly.
Dyke.
Man hater.
Bra burner. (Note: [from me] no bras were burned -- they were thrown in trash cans along with other accoutrements of femininity at the protest of the 1968 Miss America pageant in Atlantic City, NJ, which received a lot media attention)
Hairy.
Butch.
Loud.
Militant.
Radical.
Angry.

Seely then goes on to say: "But for me, 'independence', 'strength', and 'equality' come to mind when I think of feminism."

Me, again: What's wrong with "bitch," "loud," "butch," "hairy," "radical," "angry," etc.?

I get very angry when I think about the recent supreme court ruling that makes it more difficult for women to sue employers for gender-based wage discrimination, or when I think about how hard it is for poor rural women to have access to abortion, or that women in the military have difficultly getting access to emergency contraception. Does that make me a feminist -- yes. An angry one, yes. A "bitch," maybe. Am I radical? Yes. Am I loud? sometimes. Am I hairy? Sometimes.

A lot of women don't like labels. "Feminist" is too monolithic, old fashioned, hippy-ish... but labels sometimes create community and communities incite change.

I have to come clean before Sunday... I am very steeped in generational ideas about Feminism, as my dissertation is on connections between second and third wave feminism and I've been reading and researching this topic all summer. Still -- like all of us, I get very emotional when this topic comes up.

The goal of consciousness raising is to listen to each other -- to try to understand each other's feelings and understand where these feelings come from and find *commonalities* among our experiences.

Wimmin and grrrls, we are all in this together.

See you Sunday - 6 p.m. my place.

In sisterhood,
Lyz

List of Discussion Topics:

Feminism -
definition/waves
experience/stance
interpretations

Activism -
isn't working
Why doesn't it work?

Fragmentization -
womens' work (similar to Russian term "byt")
alone amongst women
guilt
power exchange

Labeling -
sexuality/sexual subjectivity
declaration (the right to be an angel or a bitch)
assimilation as a man

Mental Illness/Wellness -
women's health/female cycle
emotions
the interface

Ages and Stages of Women -
generational differences
our "voice"
women and technology

Labor/Work/Job -

Race/Class -

I love RAW

RAW as an acronym and an adjective is a perfect subtitle for our group!

There is also something very raw about coming together to understand and take down the structure - no??

In sisterhood, y'all!

hi from last nite

i am so grateful for the women who were at the consciousness meeting last nite.
i look forward to many wonderful discussions.
please excuse my spelling

sally

"Consciousness Raising" begins...

Mission statements (we have many):

This is a public forum to take ourselves, our thoughts and our relationships seriously.
This is a "RAW" place...meaning "Raising Awareness with Women".
This is a network to "lift the ceiling" and to disseminate information that doesn't always get shared in the commercial media.
This is a "think tank" of many contributors.
It is a place to be open about our issues and to be willing to hear others.
Who we are and what we think is important. This is not a place to be embarrassed.
The personal is political!
We are open...hoping and growing.

*this was a culmination of feedback from a group of women